As strange as it may seem to you, I have been afraid of music! Coming from the Songletter Lady, this must seem very weird.

I’ve Had a Rough Year: How About You?

I also share part of my personal story with you, because I know it will help you to understand me better, and I believe it will help you to understand yourself better too.

If you’ve been struggling at all this year, whether it’s with your health, finances, business, or relationships, you are not alone, and I know some things that might help you.

I have had a really meager year in terms of business. Most of you don’t know me, so just know that I am a very dedicated person to learning more about myself, the world, and to following my passion and my mission.

I thought I was doing the work I was supposed to be doing, and I had been taking marketing courses to learn how to get my work out there.  I had been putting into action the steps I had been learning and feeling confident and enthusiastic.

I understood that growing a business takes time, and I was patient.

Sometimes the Best Tools, Thoughts and Beliefs Aren’t Enough

I had been working diligently to get my business going. I had great enthusiasm for learning and putting tools into practice. I was one of the most positive people you’d want to meet, and I was putting the law of attraction to work with ease.  This law had worked well for me in the past.  However, there was something missing because I wasn’t attracting a financial flow.

The Law of Attraction Wasn’t Working as I Taught It

I also spent a year working on my subconscious beliefs that might sabotage all those great efforts. Sometime this year, probably right after the summer, I began to have doubts. Big doubts. I saw that all the right tools weren’t working for me. They seemed to work for my clients. Why not me?

I began to get discouraged and to question whether I was in the right line of work. I was consciously aware that this fear and doubt would actively prevent any prosperity.  By fear’s very nature, its vibration pulls to you the things you don’t want to attract.

Yet I could hear my clients’ voices in my ears, or workshop attendees, and people who had gotten my books and music. They loved what I did. And I loved what I did. So how could I be on the wrong path?

I finally realized that God and the Universe were sending me an important message, and apparently I wasn’t getting it. They (and I) were bringing me to a standstill so that I could LISTEN.

If we aren’t listening very well, the Universe will stop us. For some, this comes through an illness. For me, it was getting my attention via my pocketbook.

In all my doing, doing, doing and visioning my “dream,” I was leaving no time to really connect with my Higher Self, God and the inner guidance that is there for us if we give it space. Oh sure, I’d spend some time every day in prayer, gratitude, and certainly lots of visioning, scripting and living in the desired reality as if it were already true. 

But this was not true listening time. This was not coming from a real desire to connect with that inner voice. I was too busy talking to God, the Universe and myself, telling us where we were going!

How Are You Spending Your Time Every Day?

So, here’s the part that will help you. If you are struggling, first you need to look at how you are spending your time.

Do you give yourself, on a daily basis, quiet time, with no distractions, to listen, to meditate, pray, and be still?

If not, and you’re serious about following your life’s purpose and mission, then you might want to restructure your day. You have to provide a better balance of “doing” and “being.”  Making my connection to God my first priority, and to listening, not just talking TO God, but making time to be receptive and still (yes, not moving at all!) has made all the difference to me.

So, what was God trying to tell me? Why did I co-create with God a virtual stopping of business to get my attention?

I Wasn’t in Alignment with God and My Purpose

It was so I would first realize I was not in alignment or in direct communion with God. To remind me that I am co-creating this life, and am not doing it all on my own. I really forgot that principle, even though in many ways anyone looking at my life and my actions would have thought I was aligned with the Universe and very grateful. Gratitude was not enough.

The Fear of Music

So, what’s this got to do with the fear of music, Marcia? Well, the reason I needed to come to a full stop in my life was because I was praying and had been praying for years for God to make me an instrument of peace and healing.

Yet, I chose to ignore and not fully receive the gift of music that was given to me as a means for peace and healing.

Yes, I have been afraid to let music fully into my heart and my life. And last week, I had a breakthrough and I wanted to share this with you, because you have chosen to be part of this Songletter community.

Where Did the Fear Come From?

30 years ago, I was a college student majoring in music. I was going to be a music teacher. I was in my 2nd year at the University, and one of my professors (who had a chip on his shoulder because I always got a perfect score on his music exams, and he probably had some antiquated views on women) told me that I wasn’t “good enough to be in the music program and that I was probably just there, like so many young women, to look for a husband.”

 I know, I can see your disbelief and shock that anyone would say that, and could get away with it! However, that was 30 years ago, and he probably said much worse than that to others. Being the meek and “trusting authority” type I was back then, I didn’t question his opinion, and I switched to a new major. (French, of all things–and then 10 years after that I would go back to school again to get my Master’s in a body/mind psychotherapy).

I was angry with him, but didn’t have the communication skills to defend myself. Of course, over time I was also able to see the gift in his action, and how he was an agent of change for me.

His message made a big impression on me, and combined with other internal messages that I had already accepted about my unworthiness, it helped to create a strong and limiting belief. I have consciously worked over the years to transform the “not good enough” voice within me.

New layers of this voice began to surface this past year, and I saw evidence in my business efforts. As a result of this experience, I have never been comfortable calling myself a musician: I have used various terms to describe myself when doing presentations…often self-deprecating and that minimize any gift I have.

Music is Expensive to Produce

Secondly, I feared to own this gift because I learned when I began to record my music that it was expensive to do so. I figured if I avoid picking up the guitar, or sitting down at the keyboard, then I won’t have too much music waiting to be recorded.

Most people don’t know how expensive it is to record. If you aren’t a musician that has your own studio, you must rent one, and the studio engineer. That’s can be anywhere from $60 to a $100 an hour. Then I pay the musicians who must come to the studio, usually 2 hours each, to record their parts. After that, you have an editing session or sessions. And finally, the engineer master’s the album, doing all the finishing touches. You also have graphics fees and duplication costs.  It can cost $1,000 per song by the time all is said and done. So, with a 12-song album, that’s about $12,000. More complex music than mine can cost much more.

I am fortunate that I go to a studio where the sound engineer charges a very reasonable fee and he is excellent and quick at what he does. 

As my savings dwindled over the years, to pay for this music, I began to shut down the creative flow. I put my guitar in the closet and would only bring it out to do talks or workshops, or on occasion, when I let the creative door open a crack, and a new song would pop out.

You probably imagined the Songletter Lady sits with her guitar daily, or at least several times a week. It would be more accurate to say it is closer to a handful of times a year, when I let that door open for the creation of new music.

Whew! That takes a lot of energy to keep that door closed. And how sad to not open to my gift, because of the fear of being overwhelmed by the financial cost to share it with the world! I also didn’t listen to a lot of music, because that would stir the juices as well.

It’s All Good! Everything Happens for a Reason and in Divine Timing

All happens for a reason, I am convinced. And, I was brought to this point in time, to be able to fully accept the gift that was given to me as a child. I cried with gratitude as I faced those fears last week, and truly owned those shadows within.  I hadn’t really acknowledged what I was doing to myself.

I am just grateful that I am now accepting more fully what will be a true blessing for the rest of my life.

It’s not that music hasn’t been a blessing already. I know that I have been healed by the music I have written. And I’ve had so many tell me of how healing, soothing and moving my music has been for them.

It’s a question of degrees here. By shutting down and trying to control the flow of music, I shut myself off from greater passion and purpose. And I can feel my whole Being just singing in delight that I have chosen to receive fully and truly become a magnificent instrument for peace and healing that I was meant to be. This doesn’t mean that I stop being a teacher, a counselor and coach, and whatever else unfolds on my journey. By straightening out my priorities, I will be an even better teacher. I will have a greater understanding for my clients who have been brought to their knees because I too have learned a different form of surrender.

Already there is a wonderful shift in my life, as my priorities have changed and new Blessings have begun to flow in my life. As we enter this Thanksgiving week, I feel incredibly blessed for each and every lesson and experience I have had this year.

And, of course, now that I have allowed myself to open to Music more, I have new songs already that are flowing through. One is about letting go and surrender (it’s a beautiful chant that is bringing me such peace every day).  Guess what? I’m not afraid about how the next album will be produced. A colleague got his last album produced very creatively, and I’ll give that a try. Plus, a friend said, “Maybe you could think about some other musicians who might want to record some of your music. You would let them produce and record them.”

I’m sure there are many creative ways to get music from the paper to the CD that I don’t know about yet. I trust that now that I am “on the right track,” that I will be shown many ways and be given help and guidance along the way.

Give Yourself Some Real Listening Time and You’ll See A Shift Too

If you have been having a tough time lately, I highly suggest you make yourself stand still before the Universe does it for you. Take some time, at the beginning of your day, to connect with the Divine within.

Breathe deeply, ask your questions, and give gratitude for the answers and clarity that will come, even if it’s not in that particular moment. And be quiet, really be still.

I know that’s hard for many of us, and, with time, you will fall gratefully into that stillness and quiet.  Pay attention during the day and night to thoughts and ideas that come to you and ones that may come over and over. These ideas are often guidance and inspiration from Spirit to help you align with your purpose and mission.

Choose Balance

This goes along with priorities, and may be obvious, yet it’s something I still have to remind myself daily to choose. To choose balance in my life is not an occasional thought. It is a necessity. If I sit at my computer most of the day, and don’t take breaks and intersperse other activites in the mix, then I will move into serious imbalance.  I have to get out into the world and not isolate myself in my home office.  It’s important for me to be in touch, and in physical contact with others, and opening to the various opportunities to serve the world.  I must keep in focus the importance of play and time to nourish my whole being, whether it’s in nature or through creating playdates with my friends.  And, of course, now you can see my guitar being played frequently, and my keyboard is uncovered and happy to feel my fingers there.  I even started taking some vocal lessons again.

We create dis-ease and illness in our lives when we aren’t making a conscious effort daily to create a balanced spirit, mind, body and heart. Sometimes my dog comes in and barks at me to let me know it’s time to do something else. In the past, I could get away with getting out of balance a bit. I don’t believe the Universe is as forgiving these days. We’re all being challenged to consciously co-create our lives with more balance, joy and purpose. Today, not tomorrow or next week.

I wish you well as you create the balance that works for you in your life now. If you would like to leave a comment, or shoot me an email if this means something to you, please do. I would love to hear from you.

Many blessings,
Marcia B.
The Songletter Lady

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 20th, 2007 at 5:31 am and is filed under Growing Your Business, Intentional Music, Living Well with Change and Challenge. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.